Cut to: breaking news footage of a man peeing outside Olivia’s apartment, just as Fitz happens to walk out (Was someone hiding between the peeing man’s legs or something?). No sooner has Cyrus heard this news than he is ordering a “kill folder” on Olivia Pope. Her monster, indeed.

 

Thus the fight between Team Gladiators vs. Team Suits begins (okay, they all wear suits, but the White House people are just more…suity. Right?). Harrison tried to get Cyrus to call of his dogs, while Cyrus seemingly has a vague inkling of moral struggle when said dogs decide to drag up Olivia’s apparently quite lively sexual past.

 

In true Scandal fashion, Olivia meets Daddy Pope in a darkened car park to ask her just where the hell that guy Jake went to. (He’s in the Huck hole, in case you forgot. The Huck hole is not a pleasant place.) Daddy isn’t particularly forthcoming with information, just with general unpleasantness. This conversation does at least serve the purpose of unleashing kick-ass Olivia, who insists “I’m never out of options.”

Digging into that Mary Poppins bag of options, she dials the telephone and says “providence”. It turns out that WAS the magic word, as it lands her in a bunker with a less than pleased Fitz. We all know who’s running this show. The surprise comes when the third party to this lovely little threesome arrives: Mellie. Olivia has summoned them to solve all their problems once and for all. This concludes with- as usual- the decision to lie. Well, sort of. They just have to agree on an appropriately low number of times that Olivia and Fitz have had sex, in order to protect Mellie’s pride. This is one of those scenes where your heart has to go to Mellie a little. She may be a vindictive bitch, but even the best of us would have our patience tried being stuck in the middle of this bizarre love/hate triangle.

 

As soon as Mellie leaves, a moment of Olitz tragi-romance occurs, but we’ll ignored that because, really, this shit has got to stop.

 

Later in the Oval Office, Sally confided in Fitz that her own husband has been having a little too much “fun” since they moved to DC, and Fitz tells her to climb through the window which will open for her once he admits to-some of- his affair with Olivia. It seems a little like ol’ Fitzy is looking for a way out.

 

Now it’s time for the Firsty Lady and Cyrus to team up, becoming the two headed monster that is….Mellie Cyrus. (Twerk it bitch.) They begin to devise their own plan, ignoring the decision from the magic bunker. Meanwhile, the Gladiators are putting their own heads together to find a way to fix Olivia’s problem. It seems Huck’s influence on Quinn has been a little too strong, as she actually suggests just killing another intern. Has she forgotten they didn’t actually kill the first one? Harrison gives the most rousing pep talk, asking the gang “are we gladiators, or are we bitches?” (Well, that was awkward. This is why we need Olivia back in charge).

 

The next thing we know, we have *another* breaking news story, this time saying that a White House aide, Janine Locke, was Fitz’ mistress. Was this the work of Mellie Cyrus, or was the Gladiators’ way of effectively “killing an intern”?

 

It seems that Olivia is leaning towards the second option, as she marches into the office and says: “WHAT DID YOU DO?” (That’s right, you are bitches).

 

However, we soon learn that it isn’t only the Gladiators who have been disobeying Olivia. It turns out that FITZ was the one who leaked Olivia’s name to the press. (Yes, we gasped out loud too.) He admits this to Mellie, who figured it all out in an effort to fill her time as a bored housewife (she basically says this. It is Mellie.), but manages to defend his actions by saying he did it to free Olivia from Mellie’s manicured talons. (Oh Fitz, you need to go home).

 

The punches just keep on flying as this episode draws to a close, as we learn that, somewhat predictably, Janine Locke is now a client of Pope and Associates, and Cyrus is effectively kidnapped by Charlie the Assassin (remember him?) and delivered to….you guessed it, Daddy Pope. Daddy has some interesting news to share with Cyrus (apparently a phone call wouldn’t have sufficed) in the form of a classified document about ‘Operation Remmington’, which Fitz and Jake worked on together in Iran.

 

Opening the document, Cyrus’s eyes bulge open and he says: “OH MY GOD.”

 

(Oh em gee, indeed, Cyrus. Oh em bloody well gee.)