I’ve been thinking recently about humanity’s supposed place on the intelligence scale. We’re top, then it’s chimps. Dolphins or elephants come next, depending where you get your information. Sheep are up there, apparently (bet you didn’t know they actually invented the jumper), then the lists start to disagree. Still, everyone agrees that humans are top in terms of smarts.

I’m not so sure. The reason being, you never see ten dolphins waiting at a pedestrian crossing for the lights to change, none of whom have pressed the button. I’ve experienced this in humans one too many times to let it go. We all know the drill. Approach road, press button, stop while the dangerous metal machines of death whizz past, cross road. Apparently four actions are too many for the average person.

I must admit, there is a smug sense of satisfaction to be had from approaching 15 people all waiting for the lights to change, weaving through the group and pushing the button. Even better – if you happen to have a collapsible chair and a packed lunch – is just to watch them and see how long it takes one of them to realise.

The thing is, it’s not just road crossing that people can’t seem to grasp the hang of. How many times have you seen someone try and push open a pull door? Even when the word ‘Pull’ is written right above the handle, the very thing they are looking at.

Admittedly, we must be more intelligent than dolphins. Out of the two, our ancestors were the ones who looked around the sea and went ‘Screw this, it’s wet in here’, and got out. Since then, we’ve invented pancakes, drum kits and skinny jeans. Dolphins haven’t, ergo we win.

But then you watch adverts and realise how easily we adopt new ideas just because the telly told us so. ‘Did you know that your toilet seat is cleaner than your kitchen table?’ Logically, that’s a crap advertisement for disinfectant. What the facts are actually saying is, ‘See, you don’t need to worry about germs, because your table has always been dirtier than your toilet seat, yet none of you have died.’

But because the advert lady said it in a scary voice, we all rushed out to get bleach before the microbes can rise up and suck out our eyes. They didn’t fool me though. I used logic. I hid in the toilet.

Perhaps it’s not so much about intelligence, merely observation. Watching a person asking a shop assistant where the sugar is, whilst standing right next to the sugar, brings a mixture of glee and embarrassment. But that’s got to be a case of people not looking properly. No one is looking at the sugar, and then thinking ‘I must ask that shop assistant where this is’.

So maybe not pressing the button to cross the road is about observation, not intelligence.

But don’t get me started on those people who press the button even though it’s obviously already been pressed. As though my press wasn’t good enough for them.